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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.