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Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) - LOL
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”