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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
Iām just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."