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Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...