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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
no..i am not drunk, floors needs hugs too ! :p
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.