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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
Bad decisions make good stories.