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The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).