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The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
bras are booby-traps
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"