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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.