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Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
Despite what people may tell you, its the fat that makes you look fat... NOT the dress!! lol
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.