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I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.