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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
2 words, 1 finger.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
Back in my day we had 9 planets.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.