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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
All I`m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us. But, whatever, be that way.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
Anything is legal when there`s no police around