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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
It needs more cowbell!!
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?