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I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.