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you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.