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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
I like to log into facebook and leave a status just to show I`m here. Or am I?
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.