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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be