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Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
ROFL!!….. LOL jk i’m still in my chair.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.