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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"