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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/