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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"