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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!