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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."