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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.