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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.