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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.