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I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?