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I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.