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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug