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Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don`t know what you`re missing.
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.