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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
only fights if pillows are present.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!