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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria