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Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.