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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.