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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards