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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
Siri, where are my pants?
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”