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Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Your personality needs alcohol.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....