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The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.