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I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.