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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!