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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.