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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers