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I wish my mind had a delete button.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.