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The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."