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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually