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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.