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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?