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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.