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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.