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If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.