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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.