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I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert