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Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.