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I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.