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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.