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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"