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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I wish I had a friend like me
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.